Internet dating, the saga continues............

If you remember in the last blog I was starting
to experience the ups and downs of online dating.

I had subscribed to this French site which was
not very good--though at that stage I didn't know it. I had scammers, Russian
super models (going by the photos they posted) wanting a European passport, and
women who thought that a 20 year old photo was still a fair
representation.  In fairness, I met some
nice women but no one who I really hit it off with. So still a long way to go to find the perfect mate, if thats possible. will I have to weed through a thousand more?  

I must admit I found the process quite
difficult—why, I have no idea.  Maybe it
is a generation thing but I always had this uncomfortable feeling which grew more with some of the encounters that I
shall now relate to you.

Okay now looking back I can see the funny side.
I hope you will, too.

I shall start with my New
York lady. First let me explain that most of the dating sites have a icon you
can click on to show that you are interested in the person without going the
full hog and writing a message. These icons have various names from a straight
forward "Like" to more seductive label like
"Wink"!

Anyway I digress.  My New Yorker appeared
when I saw a profile for an American in Paris. Yes I thought, an
American in Paris.  How romantic. How
Hollywood. So I clicked the, "wink" icon. Now these icons are double
edged swords as some women see them as a " Cop out.”  They think, if
he is that interested then he should write a scintillating message to court me.

Well she obviously didn't think that way as I
received a "wink" back.  This
lead to some messages and our first Skype.

The first thing I noticed was her accent.  I would
describe it as a high pitched Woody Allen; a nasal New York accent that one
hears in the American films and TV shows.

The conversation had
the normal pleasantries and small talk. I asked where in Paris she lived and
was quite bewildered when she said she was in New York. I said I was sure the
site said she was in Paris.  Oh yes it
does, she informed me, I want to meet an English speaking Frenchman.

I did meet half the bill, I spoke English and
as I lived in France, and as I suspect I was the best offer she had had, I
would do as second best to a Frenchman. Not very flattering to a Brit I can
assure you.

It seems that she had lots of friends in France
and thought it would be great to fly over and get driven around France.

By the end of the first Skype she was virtually
booking her flight to Paris whilst I was back peddling like crazy. I needed an
out!

This was presented to me on the second Skype.
She started off by informing me that she had
issues. (Now in American speak "Issues" are real bad news). Are you
good at spelling, she asked. Not bad, I lied, why? I can't stand bad spelling, she replies, I divorced my last husband because he was
so bad at spelling. Bloody hell, I thought. 
Why had my pride said I wasn't bad when I could have just told the truth
that I'm crap at spelling?

Americans are well known for being direct,
straight talkers.  Unlike us Brits, they
say it as it is, which is good.  But I
wasn't expecting what came next!

I have another issue:  Are you Jewish? No I'm Church of England.
Next was the weirdest conversation. Have you been circumcised, she asked.

Wow, did I hear her correctly?

Pardon what did you say, giving me time to at least think of what to say. She repeated the
question. Hey lady, we have only Skyped for a max of 45 minutes! That is not a
question that a lady asks a gentleman. Certainly not an English gentleman.
Without answering directly I said, "Why do you ask"? Her reply
astounded me, "I don't think I could give head to someone that has not
been circumcised" I must have looked
shocked or something as she went on to explain what giving head was.

My immediate thought was, Well I haven't asked
you you brazen Hussy and we have only Skyped twice, how many times would one need to Skype to be comfortable with that conversation? I know I was shocked and most properly embarrassed as well. 

Gathering my composure I explained that when I
said I wasn't a bad speller I really meant that I was not good at spelling and
that the issues were really deal breakers and we
should look else where........Whew! Escaped!

Let me tell you about the attractive Russian.  Since she was
in France, not far from me, I deduced that she had a visa, therefore permission to stay in France.

She spoke Russian and French.  We met a couple of times and had pleasant moments though I was confused
about why she was living in France. I put it down to a language problem, though
I did understand when she repeatedly told me that she wouldn't sleep with me
till we were married. I found that strange as our meetings had consisted of a
trip round a museum, coffee and a hike up a mountain.

Perhaps it was Russian humour or she knew the reputation
us British have as wonderful lovers and was fighting an over whelming desire to
jump into bed with me.

Sadly I discovered that her visa was about to
expire and it was my passport more than my body she was after...........I wish
I could have understood the Russian words that were shouted down the phone when
I declined to accompany her to the immigration department in Paris.  Or perhaps not!

My final bad experience concerned a Californian
girl.

It started well, sort of, “I am only looking
for a friend.” That suited me:  A cyber
pal, the 21st Century version of a pen pal.

All the exchanges were via email, normal stuff,
where do you live, kids, what are your interests etc. She lived in a gated
community and seemed to play cards most of the day.

The emails from her started to get a little
flirtatious, then salacious, then down right pornographic. Then they had porno
attachments and links, some of which my ISP refused to accept.  Time to change my email address I think!

I had this vision of a little old lady living
in a care home getting her kicks from writing dirty emails to guys on the other
side of the world. Bizarre!

I'm sorry people but you will have to wait for
my next blog to find out how I found great people and true love on line and how
my life magically changed forever.

Yes it is possible.